Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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