I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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