I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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