it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
