Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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