Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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