i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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