Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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