I faked an abortion last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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