Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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