You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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