Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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