All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
