its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Also, beer. Big fan.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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