I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
