You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you never un-have a 4some
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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