so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
