I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
