I haven't been this sober since birth.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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