Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Found your dick twin last night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
