I should be sponsored by Trojan
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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