That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
