OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
