D3 body, D1 cock
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize