I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
