He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
