Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We talked him into tasing himself.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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