I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
