i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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