I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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