I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
