I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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