the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
