Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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