I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
