When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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