the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
