Too much gin, very little bucket
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
