Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
