when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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