I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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