In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
