i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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