did you get engaged???
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
