That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize