I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
