my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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