For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
