Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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