There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
