I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
