i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
