I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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