get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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