I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
