As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
