she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
