arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Vodka?
Forever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
